Executive Functioning ON HARD MODE
A story about handling "everything" and crying over "nothing."
Sometimes I go through certain things and… I amaze myself.
I actually feel proud of myself.
Not every time— and usually not in the moment —but if I’m being honest, there’s a lot of shit I handle.
And most of the time?
I handle it really damn well.
If you asked the people closest to me, though— like my family —they’d probably think I’m insane because ohhhh man, do I fall apart sometimes.
And “falling apart” can look like a lot of things:
Tears (sometimes a LOT of them)
Sharp tone (yes, I yell sometimes)
Stress
Being on edge
Agitation
Quick-tempered
Unhinged
Impatient
Avoidant — which, honestly, is a gift I’m giving others if they’d just take the hint and leave me alone.
Sometimes I retreat to my room or my bed. Sometimes I’ll sleep for days.
But “sleep for days” still means tending to everything that needs to be done.
Think of it like this:
If I only have 15% to give today, and I give 15%… that’s 100%.
A year and a half ago, I fell apart way more than I do now. Some people might debate that, but they know I’m right—they’re just uncomfortable when I finally hit a breaking point. And maybe, just maybe, they feel a little guilty for contributing to it.
And if the shoe fits? Well… wear it.
A year and a half ago I still handled the important things, but I was more passive because I didn’t want to be a “problem.”
And also… the grief after losing my mom was still fresh.
She helped me navigate almost everything.
After she died, it was like:
“Well… who else is going to do it now?”
Oh. Shit.
I guess that’s gotta be me.
Two things pushed me into the version of myself I am today —the one who operates at executive-functioning-on-hard-mode:
My mom died.
I finally got diagnosed and treated for ADHD—after who knows how many years of surviving without realizing what was wrong.
And here’s the funny thing:
Executive functioning is supposed to be the Achilles heel of ADHD brains, right?Right.
But there’s a BIG difference between executive functioning…and Executive Functioning on HARD MODE.
EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING (the visible kind)
This is the part people can see.
It’s the messy house, the overflowing laundry room, the kitchen island that becomes a catch-all, the mail pile that grows its own personality, etc., etc.
This is the daily stuff I struggle with—deeply—and you can see it.
EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING ON HARD MODE (the invisible kind)
This is the part people don’t see. The part that keeps everyone alive.
The part no one acknowledges enough.
This is Crisis Mode Brittany, and she is a force. Do NOT try her.
She wears a thousand hats:
Operation commander
Data synthesizer
Medical detective & symptom tracker
Logistics professional
Insurance negotiator
Advocate
Decision maker (big ones AND “what’s for dinner”)
Project manager
Emotional shock absorber
It’s a LOT.
But I can’t help it.
The second anything actually matters?
My brain: “STEP ASIDE EVERYONE, I GOT THIS.”
And I do.
Every. Single. Time.
Even when I’m not okay.
It’s why my house doesn’t burn down and the people in it are taken care of— sometimes better than I take care of myself. (I’m working on that.)
Meanwhile… the simple stuff destroys me.
Like:
Spilling a drink? Immediate rage.
Paper towels are out? Chest tightens.
Can’t find my keys, my phone, my wallet for 5 seconds? The world is ending.
Kids leave 15 unwashed cups and 6 dirty spoons in their bedrooms… or anywhere else in the house? “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!”
The mail pile prevents me from using the counter? I cannot do this today.
The gap between my “I can solve a medical mystery in 20 minutes” brain and my “I’m crying because this jar lid is too tight and I can’t get it open” brain is HYSTERICAL and painfully consistent.
Apparently this is normal for ADHD brains (my brain).
They prioritize importance and immediacy, not effort.
If it involves:
My child
A crisis
Health
Research
Advocacy
Survival
Problem-solving
Being the ONE person who knows how to fix the mess
I’m in. FULL hyper-focus competence mode.
Executive-Functioning-on-Hard-Mode ACTIVATED.
But if it’s:
Boring
Repetitive
“Simple”
Bureaucratic
Tedious
Stupid
Not urgent
My brain: “I will simply DIE before doing this task.”
…And then a jar lid sends me into sobs because my nervous system finally has a safe moment to crack.
My crisis functioning IS my superpower.
It’s why the heavy shit always —ALWAYS— ends up on my shoulders.
And why I actually can handle it, even when I’m drowning.
But afterward?
I’m so depleted that a chip bag ripping down the middle feels like a personal attack from the universe.
Sometimes I’m running at 300% capacity with 30% battery.
Sometimes I’m running at 30% capacity with 30% battery—and honestly, that is still my all.
Sometimes I think:
Surely people would collapse under what I handle casually.
And then one day the only pen I can find is out of ink and I’m throwing it across the room and screaming (true story).
But here’s what I’m learning:
I don’t break because I’m weak.
I break because I’m tired in ways I don’t always realize.
Because I’m carrying weight from everyone else on top of my own.
And still:
I solve it.
I sort it.
I research it.
I protect the shit out of my kids.
I handle things people don’t even know exist.
My brain shines when it REALLY counts.
And I cry over spilled drinks and empty paper towel rolls.
I think that’s fair.
Don’t you?
🗣️Talk To Me
Before ever getting treatment for ADHD I couldn’t really handle either form of executive functioning. I was undiagnosed until I was 35 years old and didn’t start medication for about two years after.
Turns out all I needed was a little dopamine.
If you didn’t get a diagnosis until adulthood, let’s talk about it.
What ways did your life change for you?
